I want to die

I want to die, tell me how? 

But why?

No one loves me!

No one, I have taken out time for you.

But you do it for others too.

Not exactly, but anyhow no one loves you. And who all are supposed to love you.

My mother at least.

And she definitely does not love you.

You are right! She does love my elder sister and brother.


Well! Simply because they have jobs where they earn millions.

And she needs those millions, does she?

Well in her old age she would. And they are smart!

You are smart too. You have great ideas.

But those ideas did not get me anywhere.

You did make it to an excellent university.

And I messed it by dropping out.


You  know what these traditional universities are not for me. Why bother going to a university, sitting through tortuous classes, taking those pen and paper exams. I can do all that sitting at home.


But my parents cannot forgive me for dropping out. They do not love me.

Have they stopped giving you food?

Food is my basic right. How can they deprive me of it?

Oh yes…

But they no longer love me.

What a lovely mobile phone.

Yes my father got it from Dubai…..the latest model….it rocks!

Of course.

But he does not love me. For I will never have a stable 9 to 5 job like him. You know why?

How would I?

Because that is out of fashion. Plus I want to be cool, not boring like him.

So you want to die….may I ask how?

That is what I want to discuss.


You have an idea for everything.

Not for suicide fortunately!

It is not a suicide. It is helping me. It is liberating me.

Helping you?

Not only me, my family too, my friends too…I am a liability for everyone.

No you are not. You are a bright talented person with fantastic ideas, only that you need help in putting them into action.

So help me with the idea of killing myself.

I……have no experience.

Even you do not want to help me. You are like the others.

Okay…calm down. How do you want to die?

Comfortably in the luxury of my home. I want a painless death.

Well…..deaths are not painless.

I have a sleeping tablet every second day.

You are only 20…..and you have sleeping tablets. Does your mother know of it?

That is none of your business. If I eat twenty of them, will I die?

I usually struggle to sleep if I ever have a sleeping tablet, so maybe if you have 20 you may not go to sleep for 20 years!! Why not jump into the sea?

I know swimming…will save myself.

Save yourself….but you want to die!

Well, you see I do want to die. That is all I want to do. Once I tried to kill myself by driving the car at a reckless speed. As the car was about to lose control, I panicked.  I cannot live without air-conditioner, the grave will not have one, will it?

Definitely it will not have one. You want to die because no one loves you. Your parents still let you live in their air-conditioned house, they still feed you, they still provide you with luxuries.

But they are always shouting at me.

Always ….. or at times….they want you to do something in life. If you want to do it your way, talk to them.  Killing yourself is killing them along with you. Your mobile is ringing. Who is it?

My mom….must be asking where am I and will I come for dinner. She gets worried.

If you kill yourself…maybe then I will have her sitting there on that sofa saying:

I want to die.

Dear IK

Dear IK,


Great to see you hale and hearty.

Just like you holding the much awaited World Cup trophy is an unforgettable moment in my album of memories, so will be your fall.

You lifting the trophy lifted the pride of a nation. You falling and the subsequent scenes brought people to their knees praying hard for your life.

As I watched those scenes unfold. Memories of another day came flooding. Of that fateful day in December, when your ex-class fellow dressed in blue, her face glowing with maybe anticipation of a national victory, had waved and then disappeared forever.

No one would ever know what went through her mind as the bullet pierced through her mind.

For a minute I had thought history was repeating itself. I was never an ardent supporter of Benazir Bhutto. On that cold foggy December evening, she still made me cry as helplessly as you did on that hot May evening.

I had cried for despite her shortcomings, she was a hope just like you are. She commanded respect nationally and internationally just like you do. She loved energising the crowd just like you do. She was as comfortable in London as much as you seem to be yet you both seem perfectly pleased at a jalsa in Kasur. English or Urdu, she loved the mike, so do you. When I see you expressing impatiently passionately your views on several talk shows. I try to visualise you and her on a talk show together. Would have been a contest of like. Who would have won? Maybe she, maybe you. She was a born politician, you have been a politician by choice.

Both of you could have opted for a comfortable life in London. Both of you did not for your people I guess.

She never got my vote. You did. She could not inspire me to stand in the lane and exercise my voting right. You did.

At times I think I would have voted for her. I was probably influenced by my elders but for you I voted against the wishes of my elders.

She disappointed me as a Prime Minister. She had every opportunity to make Pakistan a peaceful powerful country. Onerous challenges were there but then BB was a resolute resilient woman. A woman who saw her family perishing, best years of her life spent in exiles and prisons. BB knew how to triumph adversity and adversary.

She just failed Pakistan.

I hope and pray you do not. I know the task is overwhelmingly herculean but everything you have done in life would have been impossible for many Pakistanis. But then not many Pakistanis have the power and profile to change Pakistan.

Just like you, millions of Pakistanis will consider the elections rigged. Day after the election, had seen many tearful eyes. I had wept. But we have to accept it as another unfortunate episode in the history of Pakistan and focus on Pakistan. Your turn will come inshaAllah.

As a sportsman you believed in victory despite biased umpiring. Your positive attitude resulted in victories at places considered impossible because of highly favoured umpiring.

Election victory can be yours despite rigging. Just work hard to have a large majority convinced with your dedication. Focus on the task at hand. At winning the game. The field is set for the captain to lead.

From you, only perfection is accepted. You cannot make a mistake for ideals do not err.

Everytime I read of a jailbreak, of a helicopter used for personal reasons, of a Minister not behaving responsibly. I question whether I voted right. Whether I should have put my trust in you.

Well you may say humans do err. Yes humans do, super humans do not.

Naya Pakistan has to be different to the current Pakistan. Priority has to safety of people, well being of Pakistan. Human life has to be valued. Those whom we have voted into power, have to bring in economic and social stability. They cannot enjoy unnecessary luxuries and not be  accountable to the voters.

Well, your ministers might say, when others enjoy why can we not at times.

They cannot for they like you have got votes on the promise of Naya Pakistan. If they desired status quo, they need not have been part of your dream.

Am I not right? When natural or human misfortunes occur, should they not be in the field doing what you used to excel at in the sporting field- LEADERSHIP.

You got my vote. You have my support but only on the condition that you will not rob me of the hope that dreams do come true. That honesty, responsibility and integrity are traits of national leaders. That leaders forgive and forget in genuine national interest.

I do not want to be disillusioned and cry and weep on shrines.

I want to be a proud Pakistani. Just like SKMTH unleash a sense of overwhelming joy, I want Pakistan to do so.

You are my only HOPE! Have been for years. Voted for hope. Will vote again only if that hope becomes a reality!

IK, I know you can do it so just do it!

Wishing you a very happy Eid!

A sincere voter